Let’s Support Jon

Unless you live under a rock, and I hate reality TV, you’ve probably heard about Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 possibly cheating one his wife.

This bothers me for two reasons:

One: The media needs to leave people to their own fucking business.

Two: Even if Jon did cheat, I support him.

I know most of you are reading this and saying “Drew you’re an asshole”, don’t worry folks I already know I am. But the fact remains his wife Kate is a crazy bitch. I have a lot of lady friends, so I have been subjected to more than a few episodes of J&K+8, and this woman treats him like a sack of shit.

So when people blame their husbands for cheating, think about it the next time you choose to have invetrofertilzation and force 8 more kids on him. You think about when he was trying to support your ass before TLC gave you show, trying to feed you and your 8 kids. You think about that when his hair falls at and has to beg you for hair plugs, when you receive $2.5K royalty checks.

I might be an asshole right now, and I am positive my facts are not 100%, but ladies you need to remember when it’s all about you, he’s gunna eventually need to take care of himself.
I know I am being very unfair, but please Kate a man’s got needs too. And if you’re not careful, next seasons going to be “Kate+8”

And Jon, props for looking like a solid 9 on the Shot Clock and mingling with these two 20-something hotties.

Won’t you be My Gaybor?

Today I was driving to a local salon. Don’t get any ideas folks, Mother’s Day is around the corner, I was picking a gift card up for the Moms. On my way there I was in a lane that was merging. I was at least 20 feet in front of Twat in a Jetta. Thinking I did nothing wrong (which I didn’t) I continued on. The street turned into two lanes again and the next thing I know Twat in a Jetta (and on a cell phone) is asking me to roll down my window. I proceeded of course thinking maybe this broad wants to chat it up with me. I was wrong she started bitching at me for cutting me off.

Stunned by the turn of the events I politely extended my middle finger and told her to fuck off. Literally 5 minutes later I’m trying to park and those nothing available in my own goddamn town I pay taxes in, and Bitch in a Minivan almost blows into me and then looks at me like I did something wrong. I again give this bitch the one-fingered salute and then continued on to the parking spot she wanted.

All of this reminded me of how un-neighborly people have become. Earlier this week I took my sister to Jumba. As I pulled out of the driveway, I noticed my neighbor a few house playing ball in the street with his kids. I gave him a wave and did not receive one back. I figured nothing of thinking maybe there was a glare and he did not see me. 15 minutes later I roll around the corner and decided to give him another try. This time at least his little kids return the wave but none from their daddy. With the windows rolled down, I looked at my sister and said “Great fucking neighbors we have here”. I took gulp of Jumba and pulled into my driveway.

All of this made me think a lot of people have become real fucking assholes to the people around. That people have become so uptight and protective they refuse to even acknowledge the people they lived next for years. That in fact the people in my town or were ever I go, rarely respond to a gentle “hello”. These people are no longer neighbors, they are Gaybors.

Most of this has to do with media. For example, the recent outbreak of Swine flu has forced my gradparents to isolation in their home. I couldn’t even have beer with my Grandpa without him running the can under hot water for 3 minutes. Of course that was after he shook my hand with rubber gloves. Ironically at 73, he is far more likely to sick from regular flu then eating under-cooked Al Pastor in Mexico City.

The media has scared us into remission. And we see it every day. No more porches in the front yard, girls carry tasers in their purses, and your fucking neighbors will not even acknowledge a simple hello.
So I tried to figure out why. Why are people Gaybors? Is it something I’ve done?

Was it because drove 5 over the speed limit and listened to Bill Idol too loud at 2AM when you and your damn kids were sleeping? Because I hosted a Christmas party and served alcohol? Was it because when I was 15 I lit off a firecracker in MY garage? Was it when you were gone on vacation I got tired of your Gayborliness and pissed in your pool? Was it that time I brought 2 drunkass girls home and you saw me while mowing your lawn, and then bitched about my morals (which I don’t have) when you were just really jealous because your wife is a bitchy fat ass?

The reality is I have not done anything wrong. Just because you saw Dateline about the neighborhood high school kid plowing over your dumbass kids because they wondered into your street while listen to Jonas Homos on their iPods and did not see the truck coming, does not mean you should report me to the cops if I roll down my street to 5 over listen to Billy Idol. Either mind your own fucking business or do one better and say “Hi Drew, how you doing” Pull your head out of your ass, stop being Gaybors and start acting like we live in the same fucking town.

Here is how I feel if you are going to act like and asshole then expect to be treated like one. So I invite anyone who acts like a bag of douche, won’t you be my Gaybor?

Dando's 21st Birthday

As we all know the 21st birthday in the US is the first time one can "legally" consume alcohol. It is a rite of passage, and this story encompasses the quintessential journey of one's 21st birthday. Please enjoy.

Like most days I begin Monday morning by rolling out of bed and checking my email via my Apple iPhone.

I has just returned from a weekend of binge-drinking madness in Chico, CA for my best friend's Daniel (Dando) 21st birthday. For those of you not familiar with Chico, CA, Chico resides one of the country's top party school, Chico State. If you never been there, don’t worry because you’ll probably forget.

I received an email from my friend Kelly (aka K-Spill). K-Spill was interested in the activates that took place for Dando’s birthday the previous Friday and Saturday. Here is the email I sent her:

From: drewstark@yahoo.com
To: K-Spill

HGH (Hey Girl Hey)

So this is how Friday and Saturday went down.

Friday:
I meet up with Tiff and Derek (Dando's cousin and her boyfriend). We proceeded to Chico.

Me: What did you get Dando?
Tiff&Der: We got him a bottle of Don Julio tequila.
Me: Shit, I got him a bottle of Crown. Monday is going to suck.

1.5 hours into the trek up to Chico, we stop at Taco Bell in Sacramento, CA. Ironically two of our friends on the way up to Chico for Dando's 21s are there, Travis and BK.

Me: Guys what did you get Dando?
Travis&BK: Nothing, because they just got two (36) packs of beer.
Me: Monday is going to suck.

1.5 hours later we arrive in Chico.

Bro hugs and game plan time. Dando and Danny (Danny went to high school with us) are there, they are already a 4 on the Drunk Scale.

Back on track now. Dando reiterates the game plan. We will play BP (or Beer Pong) then go to Jess's (Dando's girlfriend) for a party then at 12AM we will go to the bars for his first "legal" drink.

I ask Danny what he got Dando.

Danny: A bottle of Crown.
Me: Monday will suck.

We play BP, make Dando take 3 shots of Don Julio. We proceed to Jess's. Find out Jess is not really throwing a party, because we are providing the beer. Which means we paid for everything, I love college girls. Play more BP, drink more beer. Frat Boys show up. Cool at first until we see them drinking our beer. We let it go.

Dando is nearing a 8. We run out of beer. Danny offers me one. Turns out Danny stole it from the Frat Boys for drinking our beer. Big Frat Boy gets angry. Danny wants to kick his ass, I try to mediate. Dando is outside in the rain. Dando catches wind of the altercation. Take shirt off to fight (idiot!). Hold back Dando. Diffuse the altercation. Its past 12AM, time to go to bars.

Order shots for Dando. Order Jack & Cokes for everyone else. 3 rounds. Dando is sitting at a table. For sure a 10 now. We make him drink more booze from a straw. Dando starts throws-up on the table. Derek is a smart. Puts an empty pitcher up to Dando's mouth. Dando fill pitcher. Time to leave.

We lose Danny. Danny calls me.

Me: Where the fuck are you?
Danny: I am in forest by a river?
Me: That's really specific, how about what street.
Danny: (very serious voice) Dude I just don't know.
Me: Take a cab.

Saturday:

We wake up. Dando is about 6 now, the rest of us are at 2. He woke up in his own puke. We drink 2 Crans and Crowns. Find out Danny was 2 miles away from the bar and Dando's house. Danny got a ride from Jess's Sober Roommate (Sober Roommate not enthused).

Derek buys an 18 pack. We all have 2 beers. We are about 4s now.

12:30PM: We go to another bar. Travis and BK leave. Only the five of us now, Dando, Tiff, Derek, Danny, and Me. We order food and pitchers of beer.

5:00PM: We leave the bar, 12 pitchers later.

5:30PM: Heading back to Dando's to change before dinner. Decide to have another drink at a different bar. Free shot for Dando, plus a round of Jagerbombs for him and everyone else. We are clearly 6s now.

6:30PM: Go to Tres Hombres for dinner. Table not ready, go to bar. Order 2.5 shot Margaritas. Meet Jess +2. Eat, drink two more rounds of Margaritas. Acquire multiple free shots of Tequila for Dando. Dando is at a 10.

8:00PM: Dando is drooling on himself. Make him drink water and Red Bull from a straw. Dando is getting a second wind, Dando is backed down to a 8 now. Proceed to a new bar.

9:00PM: Dando is getting a "talking-to" by a bouncer while we stand in line for the bar for already being too drunk. Bouncer is a pussy Dando is only a 8 right now jackass. Get into bar. I order a Makers on the rocks. Everyone else get's Jack & Cokes and Red Bull & Vodkas. Get Dando more free shots. Bartender is hot, I talk to bartender.

10:30PM: Dando and I order a Red Bull and Vodka. We are informed that Danny has been kicked out for yakking on the floor. Jess +2 decides to stay and party. We search for Danny. No luck.

11:30PM: We got to the bar a block away from Dando's (same one he puked at). We order another Red Bull and Vodka. Bouncer recognizes Dando from last night. Asked to leave. I finish his drink.

12:00AM: Danny manages to find us at a Taco's De (a poplar Mexican destination for the inebriated).

1:00AM: We finish eating. Lose Danny aging. We agree to let Danny find his way back. Sorry bro. Dando is a definite 10 right now. He slips on a storm drain. Takes me with him. I sprain me knee. We limp/crawl back to Dando's.

Next morning: Find out Danny got another ride from Sober Roommate (this time really pissed). Of course, that was after he got a ride by a cab to Sober Roommate’s house and tried to pay with a receipt because he was out of cash. Ironically he was 2 blocks to Jess's house and another block to Dando's. We say goodbye. Dando is glad he had a good birthday, but is in great physical pain. Happy Birthday Dando!!!

Shoot Clock from Saturday:
Dando: 38
The Rest of Us: 31

Guess what?

Monday sucks.

The Shot Clock & The Drunk Scale

Because I enjoy the occasional beverage I decided for future blogs it is important to distinguish the criteria for the “Shot Clock” and the “Drunk Scale”.

Let’s begin with the shot clock, here is how it works:

Each “shot” is either:
(1) 12 oz. beer
(1) 1 oz. shot of straight booze (Whiskey, Tequila, Vodka)
(1) 2 oz. shooter (you know Jagerbombs, White Russians)
(1) 4 oz. glass of wine
(1) 8 oz. mixed drink (Jungle Juice, Jack & Coke, Red Bull & Vodka)

The shot clock works in a 24 hour period, just like a real clock. This way I can easily track how much I drank by using the using the criteria. For example, on a typical haggard weekend. I would start at 4PM and end at 1AM, 7 hours on average 15 on the Shot Clock. Which happens to land me about a 6 or clearly drunk on the Drunk Scale, which we explain more now.

The Drunk Scale:

Level:	Effect:
1	No Effect
2	The 2 beer buzz
3	Clearly buzzed
4	Probably should not drive
5	You’re feeling real good
6	Clearly drunk
7	You might puke
8	Everyone hates you
9	Slurring words, trouble walking
10	Drooling , piss-pants drunk
>10	You need to go to the hospital

Now let's apply the Shot Clock to the Drunk Scales:

Level:	Effect:	Most Girls:	Most Guys:	Me & My Friends:
1	No Effect	1	1	1
2	The 2 beer buzz	1	2	3
3	Clearly buzzed	2	4	5
4	Probably should not drive	3	4	8
5	You’re feeling real good	3	5	10
6	Clearly drunk	4	6	12
7	You might puke	5	9	20
8	Everyone hates you	6	12	25
9	Slurring words, trouble walking	7	15	35
10	Drooling , piss-pants drunk	8	20	35-40
>10	You need to go to the hospital	10+	20+	40+

The great part about using these scales, I can easily track my progress and grade my drunkenness. Be sure to refer to these tables when reading future blogs.